Week 1 - Family of 4

***Disclaimer: What you will read below is me being completely honest. This week has been an emotional one but I want to bring reassurance to those who read that though I have some rough moments I know these words to be true:

I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able To keep that which I committed unto Him against that day

Week 1 has been great in some ways and purely awful in others.

Sunday - We returned home from the hospital. Maddy loved her little sister. She snuggled her, talked to her, called her name, and couldn’t keep her hands off her. I was so worried how Maddy would respond but she did great!

Monday - For my own curiosity I got up with both kids just to see if I could do it and I survived! Around noon Maddy started having a fever - and we all know that sometimes Maddy’s fevers turn into seizures so you can imagine the anxiety Mommy began to go into. We gave her meds and put her to bed. One positive of the day is a friend came over and took professional photos of the kiddos and we look forward to getting those.

Tuesday - Still have a fever so Nathan took Maddy to the doctor and I stayed home with Emma. They could not find any signs of infection and thought maybe this was just another cold. They told us to do round the clock Motrin and Tylenol and just watch her.

Wednesday - Runny nose and awful congestive cough joined the fever. She’s miserable, throwing fits every hour or so and we are exhausted from getting up every 3-4 hours for me to feed Emma and every 2-4 hours to give Maddy meds.

Thursday - Nothing’s changed. Fever last night got up to 103. It’s horrible just waiting to see if the fever is going to turn into a seizure. This is where I start feeling the disappointment set it! I am nursing Emma, seeing Maddy look like a zombie because she hasn’t slept for more than 2 hours straight in 4 days and I am angry. This is not fair! We are supposed to be at home celebrating the birth of our new little girl but I can’t be happy because my first born is having a continuous fever that could cause her to seize at any moment. How can you be happy?!? I begin to think back on the past two years of our life and I know we are blessed in so many ways but when I think of holidays I don’t see it that way. Two years ago at Christmas we unexpectedly lost Nate’s mom, last year at Christmas break Maddy had her first seizure, this year at Thanksgiving break Maddy had her 2nd seizure, this year at Christmas break we have a newborn and Maddy could have another seizure. Why is this happening to us?

Friday - We take Emma in for a weight check - she has gone from 3.3 kg (7.3 lbs.) to 3.5 kg (7.7 lbs). Good news! The doctors see a beginning of an ear infection for Maddy - the 2nd one in 8 weeks - and they start her on an antibiotic. This is also good news cause we can do something other than wait. I then take Emma with me to the hospital where she was born to get her birth certificate (where they say they can’t put her middle name on the birth certificate because it is too long) ;-( I see the doctors look at me with sympathy as they know this is the first week of our newborns life, the time of excitement and rejoicing, but we are exhausted and drained from the anxiety of another possible seizure and a child who is miserable but cannot communicate what is wrong. Then when I go to the Chinese hospital I see the doctors question why I am out with my newborn (who is only 8 days old and shouldn’t be out until she is 100 days). They wonder why I am traveling alone, why I don’t have someone at home other than my husband to take care of me, etc. I face the reality that we don’t have that advantage but that doesn’t really sink in to them so I answer the same questions over and over.

Saturday - The antibiotics seem to be working a bit. Maddy is feeling a bit better and no fever this morning. The fever returns in the evening.

Sunday - We have friends over to celebrate Chinese New Year. Two instances leave me on edge: 1. A friend calls to say he’s waiting outside for us to let him in, we’re in the middle of dinner, Emma starts screaming, Maddy doesn’t like dinner so she’s yelling, Nathan leaves to go meet our friend and I am left with Emma in my arm, screaming, Maddy wanting more food, yelling, and trying to heat up food for Maddy and eat and feed Emma all at the same time. Wow! 2. It’s time to light fireworks. Nate leaves with some of the older kids, it’s almost Maddy’s bedtime and she’s exhausted, Emma wakes up and is hungry. I’m feeding Emma on the couch with a view of the fireworks, Maddy’s roaming around looking miserable because the fever has returned, Nathan is outside and there is no one to hold Maddy up to the window so she can see the cool stuff outside. By the time everything is over and the kids are asleep I am just drained from this whole week and endeavor. I am tired of fighting this. I don’t want to be sleep deprived on top of having a child that keeps coughing all over me and screaming when I wipe the snot from her face. I don’t want to worry before bed that the fever has returned and we are putting her down and unless we check on her every hour we could walk in on a seizure at any time. I want my child to go to sleep and stop waking up every two hours or screaming bloody murder every time we open the door to check on her. I need a break. I want to be excited about our new addition, a family of 4, but I am too exhausted and emotional drained to do it.

Monday - Maddy is getting a little bit better and seems to be returning to some sort of normalcy. I still don’t know why this is all happening to us. Why now? I know there is a reason and when I step back I know that the only hope of Maddy not having a seizure is our Father’s hand upon her but that doesn’t lessen the annoyance of feeling somehow cheated. I step back and realize that even any good in this world is by the grace of our Father but though that is truth it is not comforting. I listened to a message on Sunday talking about the idea that we have a longing for something that we have never experienced but feel like we have and know it intimately. I guess that’s the problem. I feel like I know this life of perfection and peace and no tears so keenly but then am reminded that there are always hard times and rough spots so this perfection has never and will never exist on this side of eternity.