Processing

So I am not sure why I am blogging but I think it has something to do with a need to process and I am not sure, for once, I can handle doing it verbally. Life is very much not what I expected right now. Last week Madeline had a fever and after she had it on and off for 24 hours it climaxed by her having a seizure. Wow! She seized for 50 minutes and we rushed her to the hospital and it took almost one hour for her to regain any movement in her right side. This was the worst day of my life. When I think about it I can see her little zoned face twitching and it was absolutely horrible. Even words can't express the fear I had in that moment knowing that there is absolutely nothing I could do to make it stop. I even remember telling Nate that I was unsure if I could hold her because she was so NOT Madeline. She had a CT that proved normal so we were sent home with some meds to give her if she seized again and told to come back in two days for a check-up. PTL she didn't seize again. On Monday she ate and ate but threw up everything. Tuesday we went to the doctor and they said she looked good, they did a urine culture to see if it was a UTI and then we were sent home with antibiotics until the results were in.

If you were to ask my husband I am not sure what he would think about how I am doing because I honestly don't know. I feel like life is a blur. I keep looking around for the rewind button so that I can redo everything. Of course I knew that my child would one day get sick but when they do you find yourself looking around wondering what you did or didn't do to make this happen, or that may just be me.

Our community has been super great (thanks SY ren) and have provided meals for us this week since we also have Jachin with his broken arm. Without the support and concern of family and friends I would probably just shut down. I am not sure if I am feeling depressed or what but I just feel like I'm having an out of body experience. This can't be happening to our little happy girl. This is impossible. In the back of my mind I feel like life is forever scarred for her. Like she is cursed even before she has begun. Nate keeps assuring me, and I know he's right, that there is nothing going on that can't be taken care of. I know this is true but why is it not sinking in?

We have now been walking down the road of Madeline progressing well. She is eating all the time and is back to her giggly self again. Yesterday it was confirmed that we will be going to the hospital next Friday for them to give her an EEG to rule out if the seizure was a one time thing or if it is an indicator of epilepsy. I was doing well, grateful for every little smile and then I got a call today.

Maybe this shouldn't change anything but they called to tell us about the results of Maddy's urine culture. Apparently the bacteria that grew from her urine sample was Ecoli. They started her on a different antibiotic today that she will take for another 14 days and then once she's off the meds they want her to come in and do an ultrasound and run some tests (one that can't be done in Shenyang so we will need to do it in BJ or HK) to see if her urinary track is actually pumping urine into her kidneys. Aggh! Then that sinking feeling comes back again...

I know my daughter will be fine. I know Who is looking out for her. Right now I am struggling with the feelings that come up when you can't wrap your brain around why this is happening. I think it was Spurgeon who said: When I can't trust His hand I know I can trust His heart. That's where I am. I'm not sure how to process all of this. Again I keep thinking, "This can't be happening!" If only I'd wake up, if only we'd rewind....if only...but even if all that happened nothing would change. It's scary. It hurts. My little girl is 8 months old and she is happy and there seems to be so much going on inside her little petite body. I want the tests to be done now! I want to know everything that is wrong and every solution now! I don't like waiting and waiting for tests to be run for plans to come together. Welcome to my world - I live in the unknown where all this is going wrong with my little girl, Jachin may have a heart murmur, and hasn't gained any weight. I know that there are many positives. Jachin's cast will come off for good in less than 2 weeks, Jachin has started smiling, giggling and making eye contact. Jachin is understanding "No". Maddy is still our happy little girl even though all this is going on. I used to worry about making sure Maddy had tummy time and what if she doesn't crawl?!? and now they seem so meaningless. I just feel. I feel so much, like I am going to explode but haven't had the time to just let it out. So I guess this is what this is for. So sorry for those of you who had to hear it. Please keep us in your thoughts!