Seizures - Handling Disappointment

It has been a buys and challenging week. We put our house on the Market on Feb. 1st, got an offer to sell on Feb. 21st, Found a new home and moved. It many ways it feels like it has taken forever but when I read what I just wrote, I realize that it has been really fast. It's easy for me to see the chaos and tension this has been causing me but to not realize that my children are experiencing the same but can't handle it the same way.

My oldest, Maddy, has always handled change a bit like her mother :-) Maddy was diagnosed as epileptic when she was two and she has had 2 gran mal seizures in the past (9 months old and 19 months old). The biggest issue hasn't been those typical seizures but these small zone out episodes that last for less than 1 minute. We had gone over a year without any of those episodes and then this past 2 weeks, we have met with 5 small episodes and 1 potential gran mal. It's been a heavy few weeks. We have increased her meds 2 times already. The hardest part is the waiting. The only thing we can do to "help" is to adjust the medication and then it takes a few days for that to happen so more episodes could come in that window. The helplessness can sometimes feel overwhelming. We have been training Emma about what they look like so she can let us know if one happens while we are not around. Maddy can normally look at you and sometimes even stand but she normally loses her ability to talk. Yesterday she was playing with Emma and Emma came into the kitchen to let us know that Maddy had "stopped talking" and we found her in the office laying on the floor...another one but this as left her unresponsive. We were a few steps away (since our new house has full view of the office and living rooms form the kitchen) but we weren't right there. She recovered quickly but was a bit groggy. The unknown of what all these mean, the anxiety of when another one could happen again, the waiting and wondering if they will ever stop...Yesterday, I stood in the kitchen after her gran mal and absorbed the lyrics of "Good Father" as they played over me, resting in God's truth that He is a good father and I and my little girl are loved by Him.

So with all this in the back of my mind and the stress of moving and then some printer issues at church this morning, I found myself overwhelmed...yet again! I walked into the service at church, sat down and cried. One of our Campus Pastors from Easley preached this Sermon today (4/17/16) (go check out the link). He talked about disappointment and how we get these expectations of what we think God should do for us. I subconsciously think that God SHOULD heal her and that this is what I expect. Then when we have an episode, I feel disappointed that God didn't do what I thought he SHOULD have done. Terry's (Campus Pastor from Easley) words reminded me that I have hope in a Good Father whose word will not be broken and has a plan for me and my little girl even when it doesn't look like I expect. My walk isn't about things going my way but trusting in the One who is perfect to guide us in the way He wants us to go. When I try to get God to do my expectations, I am devastated when things don't go the way I want them to. But when I rest in His plan and that He is working in the ups and downs, I can find rest and hope in the midst of it all. So today as I still hurt over my Maddy's health and pray for no more episodes, I know that even if she has none or more, that she is in good hands...the hands of the one who loved her enough to knit her together in my belly and specifically gave her to my and Nathan for a purpose to love on her and show her the Gospel in the scary seizure moments and the happy fun times. Please continue to pray for us, for wisdom and stamina for the journey ahead!