"I have ADD."
"I am dyslexic."
"I have knee problems."
"I'm falling apart."
But when it comes to our children we don't want those things to ever be true. I often struggle with wondering why this has to be happening to my daughter. I wonder, "Is it my fault? Should I have done something differently so that she wouldn't be born early and maybe that could have avoided this?!?"
Maddy has had two Grand Mal Seizures. After she was walking she started having these things that we called "zone outs." They were moments when she would be playing, stop, come to me or Nathan, look like she was not feeling well, and then when we held her we noticed a swallowing noise and sometimes a slight trembling in one or both sides. I caught a few on video, since they come when she is sleep deprived or sick, and sent them to a neurologist in the states. They said that it was no big deal. After she had the 2nd Grand Mal seizures we asked again and we received the same response. One of the reasons we returned back to the states was to get answers. Upon arriving, my mother-in-law set up an appointment in Georgia for us to see a pediatric neurologist. They scheduled an EEG. After Maddy had glue put in her hair and was strapped down in a bed they did the test. She screamed until she was so exhausted that she fell asleep. It was awful! The results came back as "slowing in the left side of the brain" and we were told we could put her on meds or just wait. At the time we were told the meds would help stop the little "zone outs' that were in fact small seizures. The problem is that we would not be able to tell if they were working until they stopped them and since they weren't consistently occurring we would not know if they were helping or not. At that moment the thought of putting my child on seizure meds made me cry. I don't want my daughter to be on meds. I want her to be healed. I know that something is wrong but I want someone to tell me it isn't and to have one of those amazing stories where the tests come back as clear. I know that that could happen but I also know that God's promise of complete healing also entails being on the other side of eternity too. We waited...
We settled in Greenville and Maddy had pink eye. I went to the doctor's office and they gave her the medicine to clear up the pink eye. In passing, I mentioned that I had some diazapam in my possession. Apparently, you should only have that if you have an overseeing pediatric neurologist so he quickly set me up to meet one in Greenville. In hindsight, that changed everything! Thank you, Dr. Lookadoo! (Yes, that is his name!)
On October 22nd we saw the pediatric neurologist and she said that though seizures in themselves aren't bad, they can train the brain to have more seizures more often. She recommended meds just to be on the cautious side. Then she looked at Maddy's MRI from China and saw a spot on it that was either swelling or scarring. She found the problem. This is what has been causing the issues. What started as a seizure at 8 months and continued with little small episodes has just been irritating her brain at that spot and causing it to slow down cause there is something in the way. It's like a traffic jam. The swelling is the wreck and the traffic is slowing down (making her brain slow down) because of the wreck. We started her one meds right away. This time, hearing that she needed meds was actually an answer to prayer. I felt so at peace. We FINALLY have answers! I know the doctors are not God and are not the end all but they have been given brains by God to seek knowledge and His guidance has led them to this conclusion. She has been taking the meds for almost 1 month and has had no Grand Mal seizures and only one "zone out". We are hopeful. To top it all off, we went for another EEG on November 6 and they were just so patient and calm with Maddy. They made the "putting glue on her head for the wires" into a game of Maddy wearing a princess hat and looking "so pretty". She watched TV while they did it and she didn't make a peep. We read books and talked while they were doing everything and then they turned off the lights and her and I snuggled and fell asleep. It was great!
So, how are we doing?
Well...I wish my daughter had no physical ailments. I wish she didn't have to take meds.
BUT
if these meds are what need to be used to ensure no more swelling or scarring and could heal her body then they are ok with me. We are at peace. The medicine seems to be working fine so far and there have been no personality changes, which are common with seizure meds. To top it off, the Lord has blessed us with great doctors and facilities that are so encouraging and informative through it all.
Maddy is doing well and is currently watching "Sesame Street" as she tells the rooster that he's supposed to say "cock a doodle doo" :-) I love her! As I write this, I feel like my love for her just grows more and more. She's going through something very scary but she is still able to be the brave little girl who will run or jump from anywhere, fall down and say "all fall down, boom boom" and keep going. It's not the news we wanted but it is an answer to prayers and God is giving us the peace and direction to take it one step at a time. I keep praying for her healing but in the meantime I know God is guiding us step by step and showing us our need to depend on Him in everything, especially the health of my children.
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