Stress

I was shocked to see that I haven't posted in almost 3 months. All I can say is that life has been super chaotic. A few weeks I was telling Nathan that I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this "stay at home mother of 3" thing. Man, am I eating my words right now! I haven't written because I keep saying I'll do it when I get some free time but then the free time never comes. Days pass and I never seem to find the time to write. I have about 30 minutes until Maddy gets up from rest time so I thought that rather than procrastinate, I should write. Last week started with Maddy and August getting shots at their 4 year and 4 month check-up. Then Thursday I woke up with a fever from mastitis. :-( I started an antibiotic and recovered quickly. This week, August has been fussy because of teething or some allergies/cold and I have a horrible cold sore on my lip (despite medicine I've been taking to stop it) and just feel like I've been hit by a truck all over again. I am such a wimp! When I think of those people who are in constant pain because of an ailment or diagnosis, I am amazed. I get a sore on my mouth for 2 weeks and go through a few night of anxiety because of fevers and I feel like throwing in the towel. I know that my problem is stress. There may not be a whole lot going on right now but since I am a task oriented person, I wake up with expectations that are completely unrealistic. I wake up and begin thinking of all the things that have to be taken care of before I even roll out of bed. I know that I have to just let it go and live each moment, and it's getting better but right now I feel like I'm drowning. Maybe not drowning but I feel like I'm in that place where I know that if I stop flailing I'm gonna drown. My head is just above the water. I'm weeding through each piece and preaching the Gospel to myself about how each of these issues is not my responsibility to carry.

Yesterday I was reading my AM2PM book "Christ In The Chaos: How The Gospel Changes Motherhood" by Kimm Crandall and, as often happens, I read the exact thing I needed. Kimm was talking about comparing ourselves to other mothers and feeling that others view our value as how our children behave. I know this is super common but this stood out for me:

"I acted as if the power to change my children's hearts belonged to me, and I blamed myself when they didn't budge...As mothers, we can't ever be enough for our children. Only Christ can meet their every need perfectly. Our hope as mothers should be in Him and His redeeming work, not our own work. Praise Lord for the fact that we can do that."

I may not have felt all the weights fall off my shoulder but that one weight - feeling responsible for the actions of my children - has been spotted and I seek to daily lay it down cause it is not my burden to carry.

On a positive note, my kids are growing like weeds. Maddy is 4 and is still staying put at 29.5 lbs. She made me a Mother's Day gift at school today and I cried when I read it. Her teacher asked her to finish the sentence: I love mommy  because... and she said "I love mommy more". Apparently she is learning Nathan's game of competing to see who loves who more.

Emma is super independent and telling us what to do all the time. She can't really comprehend "this-or-that" and loves to tell you that she can do EVERYTHING "all by myself". She is holding her own when it comes to spats with her sister. She's 2 and is weighing in at 23 lbs.

August is 4 1/2 months and is 13.6 lbs. (Bigger than the girls at his age.) He is rolling from belly to back and actually enjoys belly time. He is our laid back little guy and just loves to look and giggle at everyone. He's sleeping well and since his little sickness this week he's started sleeping unswaddled at night. He takes three 1 1/2-2 hr naps and sleeps about 9 hours at night.

That's it for now. I will try to write more often but we shall see. I actually wrote this and now have to go get Maddy up in 1 minute...