Reflections on My Firstborn

I've been thinking of starting this post for some time but haven't been able to wrap my brain around what it should look like or my purpose. I still don't really know but all I do know is that I need write. I need to process where I am. We have decided - or better it was pretty much decided for us - to wait till January, when Maddy gets on new insurance, to do her surgery. The doctor in Cleveland assured us that waiting the few months wouldn't cause any problems. Pre this point, we have just been jumping from step to step waiting for the qualifiers for what's next and now we have the end result...surgery...and all we can do is wait. I'm not good at waiting! In thinking about the next thing, I find that having nothing to do now but wait is very challenging. I start to think and allow my guard to fall...emotions well up...I get scared...I cry...

As I process the reality that A.) God is able to heal my daughter but B.) It is not...at least from where we stand now...His plan to miraculously do so. Her healing may come by surgery. I rest in a God that doesn't change especially in the midst of trials. This song has been my comfort these days aka make me cry like a baby as their truth rushes over me. 

The Rock Won't Move by Vertical Church

The Rock Won’t Move

Vertical Church Band

When the ground beneath my feet gives way

And I hear the sound of crashing waves

All my world is washing out to sea

I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves

Holding fast to the promise of the truth

That You are holding tighter still to me

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock of our Salvation

My hope is in the promise of Your blood

My support within the raging flood

Even in the tempest, I can sing

I'm hidden safe in the God who never moves

Holding fast to the promise of Your truth

That You are holding tighter still to me

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock of our Salvation

Woah, woah

Woah, the Rock of our salvation

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

The Rock won't move, the Rock won't move

When darkness seems to hide His face

I rest on His unchanging grace

The Rock won't move, the Rock won't move

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock won't move and His word is strong

The Rock won't move and His love can't be undone

The Rock of our Salvation

Lead me to the Rock

The Rock that is higher

That is greater

The Rock of our Salvation

Lead me to the Rock

The Rock that is Stronger

That is Stronger

The Rock that is Jesus

The Rock that is Jesus

He will never move

He is faithful

My mother-in-law died 7 years ago from a "routine" - low chance of issues - brain surgery. Now I stand and think of my 6 year old going into a brain surgery that has a 0-1% chance of expected issues and yet it feels the same to me. It's different. I know that it's a completely different surgery but it's all brain surgery in my heart. 7 years from the date that my life was ever changed, I will escort my daughter into a room where her life will forever be changed by a similar surgery. Fear rises. Logically, I know they are two different situations that don't connect, but you have to understand that in my emotional state, they are one and the same. It makes no sense, I know BUT when you are debating about doing brain surgery on your child, lines begin to blur. It seems like just yesterday that these were the biggest moments in her life: 

 Here I sit and my brain is overwhelmed with the severity of where we are. Do nothing and she struggles with memory loss and seizures forever. Do surgery and she has a chance. What's best? I know what's best but it still makes me tear up when it passes my brain. She's been through more than any child should have to go through. She's a fighter...sometimes her defiance can be problematic but I see that God has put that trait there to get her through this. Her path will have struggles. There's recovery, potential memory loss, questions of emotional issues, catching up with school, probably repeating her grade, accommodation meetings for assistance at school...

There's a little girl who is stronger than I have ever been. There's a girl that continues to be buffeted but she keeps going. I know that it is God, the rock, who sustains her and it is fun to see her grow in the knowledge of who He is through her memory verses at church and discussions her sister prompts. Every time this song comes on, I remind the kids that I love this song because God doesn't change and He can be trusted. I pray that Maddy will grow to understand that through this journey and that Nathan and I will continue to rest in that. The God who knit her together in my womb when we thought children were impossible...the God who brought her into this world "early"...the God who has watched over her through many seizures...THIS GOD is the SAME GOD, the unchangeable God! The other week, in the midst of all these emotions, I was teaching the kids about Isaiah in Sunday school. I felt so overwhelmed and we were talking about God's vision to Isaiah and my little Emma raises her hand and says this:

"Mommy, I know where we are (in the story). God sent an earthquake, but He wasn't in the earthquake. God sent the wind but He wasn't in the wind. God sent the fire, but He wasn't in the fire. God was in the whisper."

Out of the mouths of babes! I needed to hear in the midst of my overwhelming emotions, from a tiny whisper voice of my little girl, that the same God who made Himself known to Elijah by hiding him in the rock and passing by, THAT God is the same God that spoke to me in her whisper. He reminded me that He is in it. I can cling to the rock that won't move. I will have days where I am confident in His truth...I will have days where my emotions seem to drown me...but in both days, I will choose to cling to the Rock.