I can say that though this journey has been challenging so far, I have learned alot about who God is. This week particularly has been challenging but an opportunity for growth.
We were in the midst of getting licensed to foster and a friend sent me a message about a job that had opened up and she thought it would be great for me. Nathan and I began to discuss it, and I was really hesitant. We had many discussions about it and finally decided that I would apply and we would see what happened. The next week or two, there were many instances where we really felt this was exactly what God wanted. It seemed like the perfect fit and we were pretty confident this was exactly what God wanted and had provided.
Then I found out that I didn't get the job...on that same day, I found out that the transportation that we had worked out for Emma to be bused to Maddy's school - something we had organized 4 months ago - fell through so I would either have to travel to two different schools twice a day, be at the bus stop AND in the carline at the same time, or go to another school :-( Things just felt like they were going downhill.
On Monday, Nathan and I prayed before we went to bed. Our hearts were broken and confused. I remembered praying these words:
God, I know that you love Maddy. I know that you have the best plan for her. I feel like this was your plan but now it's not happening. So now I feel like I don't know what your plan is and I feel like what looks like the best plan for Maddy, wasn't taken. I don't understand what my eyes can see. BUT I know that when I feel like I don't know what you are doing, I know that I can trust who you are. Please help me trust you and give me faith in my unbelief.
I was confused and sad. I began to wonder how I got it so wrong. I thought I knew what God was saying, but I was wrong. I was embarrassed.
The next day, I was laying in bed, still confused and I got a message from my mentor in college. She had said she was praying for what words to say to me and she didn't have any except to say that she knew God brings comfort and God intercedes for us when we don't know how to pray. I was instantly reminded of a discussion with my mentor about hearing God's voice. In college I was scared that I might miss God's plan for me by distractions around me. My mentor brought me to John 10 and reminded me that the Father knows His sheep and they know Him and they know His voice. As I read her message, that conversation came to mind. Then I thought, "How fitting?!? I am doubting that I hear God's voice and he sends me this little reminder that brings this conversation to mind." How kind is He that in the middle of my doubt and fear, He sends me a reminder that He is working. He is interceding.
Today, I feel encouraged. I enrolled Maddy at her new school, made testing plans with the neurologist and rejoiced in God's plan that wasn't mine but is better because it's His. Now I get to be at home with Maddy and solely focusing on her through this journey. Maybe God showed me this opportunity and closed the door because He knew that I would try to make this happen all on my own. Maybe He knew that I would be super strained and tired from working full time AND caring for the needs of my family. I also know that if finances become a roadblock, God is more than able to provide that.
I've also been reading Job and was reminded today that in the midst of all his friends trying to explain why things were happening and what was the reason for everything, Job just needed to sit in the presence of God. Though our journey is beginning, I feel so much peace knowing that His ways are higher than mine and I don't need to be able to reason out why this plan would be best or come to Him with all the reasons that He should do what I want. He is bigger, He is in control, He will take care of us.
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