Disappointment

Expectations. My husband would say, and I would agree, that one of my biggest weaknesses is my expectations. I get these expectations in my head all the time and they are huge. Then life happens and my expectations come up short and I am disappointed. This is the story of my life. I live from event to event with my expectations and they get shot down over and over. Therefore, I deal with disappointment often. My biggest sort of disappointment right now has been this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, if I push aside all the disappointment, you would find excitement about a new baby but right now that is covered with bundles and bundles of disappointment. I have tried to be positive. I have tried to focus on good things. I have tried distraction but I cannot seem to shake the disappointment after each day of contractions that lead to nothing. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" is what I tell myself over and over. After waiting 3 weeks from my first false alarm and continuously being told I would never make it to my due date since it was my 3rd child and being asked "When is that baby ever gonna come?" I begin to walk around in a resigned feeling of disappointment. I have had contractions in consistent chunks every day since Saturday - and still no baby! I have stopped waking up and praying, "Jesus, let him come today!" because I assume today will not be the day. I have resigned myself to accept that my son will come into this world only when he's forced to by medication (even though I am already halfway there) on Thursday, December 26th. I know the days are getting closer but each day it is harder to take that step to get out of bed and work through the day knowing that he's not coming. Don't get me wrong, we are keeping busy and having fun little activities. Today Nate took Maddy to the doctor for an ear infection and I got to have one-on-one time with Emma and then he took Emma out to shop for me for Christmas tonight so I got a whole evening of Maddy-Mommy time. I loved it. But now that the kids are in bed and Nate is out with friends I find myself laying in bed and that disappointment is there. The reality is, I don't think it's unexpected or unrealistic because today is my due date and I have no baby. I have talked to many woman who have expressed similar feelings that I am having right now so I don't think I am bad or wrong for how I am feeling. I am just having to daily reset my brain so that the disappointment doesn't overtake me. I chose today to enjoy my time with my girls and I did. I choose to realize that focusing on the disappointment won't change it or change my circumstances so I have to just relax and trust that God is in control. 

Why am I so disappointed? I asked myself that today. The reality is that nothing has changed. No matter what, I will be bringing home a baby in the next week. My baby is still healthy and growing. So why do I feel like I'm grieving? Because of those darn expectations! I expected that he would be just like his sisters and come somewhere between 35-39 1/2 weeks. I am struggling with feeling like he doesn't want to come out or that my body is somehow failing me because it's not doing its job. Expectations! Expectations! Expectations! They could be the death of me! So, I wrote this blog for myself. Not so much for my faithful readers - though I am very thankful for you! I wrote this so that I can see the truth in the situation. My disappointment is grounded on my circumstances and my expectations and not in hope. I have struggled with that word recently and have run from it. I don't feel hopeful because I feel like he's never coming out. But I do have hope. Nothing has changed. 

Am I disappointed? Yes!

Is my son still coming? Yes!

So why be disappointed?  ???

I need to stop dwelling on my disappointment and expectations and realize that they are my man-made ideas and ways. There is a reason why my son has not arrived and I have to trust that whatever reason that is, it is perfect! My life could be worse and I am surrounded by friends that are hurting so I need to get out of my pity party and be grateful for my blessings. And most importantly: Tomorrow when I wake up and struggle to get out of bed because of those unrealistic expectations and lack of hope I need to re-read this and remind myself of the words of Elevation Church's "Give Me Faith" and I need to press on to hope. 

"Give Me Faith"

Give me faith to trust what You say to know that You're good and Your love is great

I'm broken inside. I give you my life

All I am I surrender

I may be weak but Your spirit's strong in me

My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will.

On a positive note - these beautiful pics by my amazingly talented friend, Jaci Brush, will make you smile too as you think about the little boy that will be entering our lives soon!